Recently I spoke with a client of mine about her long way to separation.

I’ve asked her what went through her mind while she was still in the relationship but wanted to get out. I was wondering what kind of thoughts were circling around in her head.

Was it denial? Was it anger?

No” she said, “I just felt utterly helpless.

She had her bag packed to leave, but she never did.

One of her friends eventually said to her “You have to unpack your bag!” and my client responded “What are you talking about?” To what her friend responded “You have your bag packed, haven’t you? I know this, I’ve been there myself. But you need to unpack it, because you are not leaving him.”

The point I want to make here is, that we all face situations in our lives where we feel utterly helpless. That’s the time when we reach out to friends or mentors or even professionals.

And in my experience the most difficult challenge for all of us is a relationship that does not serve you, that does not fulfil you and that does not make you happy.

It is so difficult to admit to others that your relationship is at an end. You might not even admit it to yourself. You hope against all odds that some miracle is going to happen and everything is going to be alright.

And then you pack you bag. Certain to leave at the next turning point, the next insult or the next hurt.

That moment comes and goes and you are still sitting there with your bag packed.

Now you are not only furious with your partner, you are even more furious with yourself.

Why can’t you just leave and get over with it?

The little voices inside your head starting to whisper: “Where are you going to live?”, “How will you survive?”, “Will you ever see the kids again?” “If you leave now you forfeit the money or the house or both.”

Unless your vision is stronger than your memory, you don’t go anywhere.


So, you talk to a friend and put it all out there. And then you go home and unpack that bag and hope against all odds that things will change.

What can you do to get out of this cycle?

You only have three options when you are stuck in this unhealthy cycle: Stay, Leave or Change

Staying is the easiest option with the least amount of effort, but also the most frustrating one.

Leaving is harder, because you don’t know where and you don’t know what might happen.

And Change is the hardest of these three options.

Maybe there is still some life in your relationship. Maybe you can resuscitate it with the help of some guidance and positive reactions from your partner.

To do that, you really need to change – not your partner – but yourself. You can’t change the other person; you can only change yourself.

You need to break out of the toxic cycle at home. You need to understand what triggers your reactions and what triggers the reactions of your partner.

Chances are that you are in a behavioural pattern that is neither healthy for your relationship nor for the two of you.

And here is sentence you need to read twice to understand.

If one partner in a relationship changes their behaviour, the other partner cannot not change.
If one partner in a relationship changes their behaviour, the other partner cannot not change.

In other words, if you change your behaviour at home, towards your partner, in arguments you have, and in your whole body-language towards your partner, your partner will notice and also change (involuntarily at first) their own behaviour.

This does not guarantee that your relationship is going to be a happy and healthy one again. The only guarantee I can give you, is that your relationship will change and you have a chance in rescuing it.

It might change for the worse and you’ll want to pack your bag again, but by then you’ll know you’ve given it everything you’ve got, so you won’t doubt your decision.

Or, you could change your story for the better, and build a happier, healthier relationship that finally meets your needs.

In my book you find over 50 practical and proven tips that helps you to find areas for change within your relationship. Order your signed copy now or download the e-Book.