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Routine – the big danger

“Anyone who stops getting better has stopped being good.”
Countless companies have this motto pinned to the wall.
This shall serve as a constant reminder that you need to refine, improve and optimise as often as possible, if not constantly.
Does this motto serve for relationships as well?
In a way I think it does.
You see the biggest danger for a relationship is routine, the knowing that it will be the same tomorrow. But why is that? We want certainty, do we not?
Yes, we want certainty but it could be argued that we want an equal amount of uncertainty in our lives too.
Remember the time you were dating your partner. You would go out together. You’d feel the spark in each other’s company. You’d get butterflies in your stomach. Your first kiss felt electric.
Since then you have moved in together. You have built your home together. Everything is perfect and you are happy and grateful that you met the soulmate you were always searching for.
And now the routine sets in.

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I give it all – my partner is oblivious

“I want to give us a chance.”

“I am the one always working on our relationship.”

“I don’t know what to do anymore. I am at my wits’ end”

“My partner doesn’t know or even realise how bad it is.”

You can feel the desperation in those lines.

These are some of the comments from over a thousand people who have participated in my online relationship quiz so far.

What do you do if you are the only one in your relationship wanting to work on it?

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The fear of staying married

Recently I presented Inspiring Relationships to a group of strangers and one of their question was, “What is their greatest fear?” – referring to the people seeking my guidance in regards to their relationship. I responded that the biggest fear I see most often is to...

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When the kids have moved out…

For the last couple of years, you have secretly (and sometimes openly) voiced your concerns that your kids will never leave the home environment. You felt like Hotel Mama or Hotel Papa. They come when they please, not announcing friends staying over and the fridge is perpetually empty despite being at the grocery store more than you’d like. They drive your car every now and then, and surely borrow your camera equipment once in a while. As a result, you’ve felt a bit like a supplier of all sorts of services and gadgets.

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Why money is more important

I would like you to imagine three days without sex and now three days without money. Which one is harder to imagine? Which one is harder to do? Sure, we all want sex. Some of us, as often as possible, some of us on a regular basis, some of us every now and then – but we all want it to some extent. Living without sex for months on end may not be ideal, but it is possible. No one has ever died from lack of sex. Money though? Living without money for even a month is practically impossible, especially if living in one of the twenty top industrial nations. Please do not forget that living together is also an economical decision.

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His unforgettable smile

It started all so well – back then – ten or fifteen years ago. You met at a gym. It was a total chance encounter. If it wasn’t for your friend’s party the night before, you would never have gone to the later session at the gym. But you did. And there he was, smiling at you, smiling with you. You felt electric that morning and the exercises were not so hard. You remember it so well it was a Friday in March 2006. The week after you made sure to go to the later session again. And he was there again. The same shy smile, the same clear blue eyes looking at you. Again, you felt electric that morning.

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Closed Book

It is not uncommon to hear women who participate in my online coaching program talk about their men and report “my husband is a closed book to me, I don’t know nor understand what is going on in his mind…”. I’ve often heard confessions of finding this trait intriguing in the beginning of the relationship; he was the big mystery she had set out to solve. But for some reason she couldn’t get through to him, or he didn’t let her in. What started as being intriguing soon became concerning. How could you live with someone who does not open up, who does not share their thoughts and feeling and who does not talk?

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Your brain is a meaning making machine!

Steve Chandler writes about the idea that whether you see a stick that looks like a snake or you see an actual snake, it actually makes no difference. In both cases your mind does the same. It is a flight response and your body will jump. Even if you really are only looking at a stick, your mind-body-reaction will be the same. He rightly says “perception is reality”.

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You can only change yourself

A successful, happy and lasting relationship consists of two individuals who are themselves successful, happy and contented. Of course everyone has their own definition of success and there is no point in comparing your life with anybody else. It is important though that you are content with yourself and with your own definition of success. This gives you the perfect starting point for a great relationship. Working on yourself is the best way to work on your marriage. Whenever I speak to partners in a long-time relationship, I see two people who respect each other, who listen to each other and who stand up for each other.

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Available now – online and offline

This book is for every person who wants to work on their relationship and learn more about how to maintain a loving, intimate and respectful relationship. This book is also for people experiencing a rough patch and want to see a way out and get back on track, without needing to ‘air dirty laundry’. And finally, this book is for single people who would like to know what caused their last relationship to fail.

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Respect is more important than love

When I speak about Respect in my seminars or workshops, I ask the audience for a good visual representation of the word respect. Every time they struggle to come up with one. Think for a moment and try it yourself. It is difficult, isn’t it? We have emoticons and emojis on our phone to express excitement, joy, sadness, love and a host of other emotions, but nothing that represents respect. Yet we all have an idea of what respect is. In our day-to-day lives, we show respect.

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How do I get him to…

We have now collected over 901 different answers to our Relationship Performance Quiz. This is a huge success and the insights are fascinating. Besides the score each participant receives, it is interesting and quite alarming at the same time to read all the questions that people ask me about relationships. And there is a large group of women asking the same thing… “Why is he such hard work?” or “How could I get him to…” be more of this or less of that. What I read here is the major frustration amongst women aimed at their partner. Sometimes it sounds like a question about a foreign species of (maybe wild) animals.

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