I would like you to imagine three days without sex and now three days without money. Which one is harder to imagine? Which one is harder to do?
Sure, we all want sex. Some of us, as often as possible, some of us on a regular basis, some of us every now and then – but we all want it to some extent. Living without sex for months on end may not be ideal, but it is possible. No one has ever died from lack of sex.
Money though? Living without money for even a month is practically impossible, especially if living in one of the twenty top industrial nations.
Please do not forget that living together is also an economical decision. It is cheaper in regard to rent, groceries, insurance, tax, holidays, your car and nearly everything. Therefore, the decision to move together is often driven by the fact that you’d save money – of course with the aim too to see each other more and have more sex.
When we fall in love, we are not thinking of money. We just want to be with our partner and enjoy his or her company and body. Sex then seems to be such a big bond between partners; so much so that everyone gives sexual satisfaction a high importance. And during that phase, money is of no concern – usually.
Six months later, you move in together and suddenly you realise the importance of money. Despite being a perfect match between the sheets, you might not be a perfect match when it comes to money.
People have different thoughts and opinions of money, how to attain it, accumulate it and spend it. Some people are frugal, stingy, and tight; others are extravagant and carefree in their spending. Some people inherit wealth; others have to scrimp and save.
Relationships suffer when couples have differing views about money. Making decisions about buying a car, taking a holiday, or even the choice of groceries in our trolleys can become hugely problematic when couples have different opinions.
Some people see money as the root of all evil and that all crime in the world is driven by money, or the lack thereof. For others, money is printed freedom, enabling them to choose what they want to do. There is no right or wrong answer, everyone is different, but when these differences cannot be reconciled, relationships suffer.
The fight over money drives more couples apart than the fight over sex. And for those couples who decide to divorce, all they talk about is money.
Learning about money and sex
From early childhood on we learn about money. The development phase from zero to seven years is called “imprint phase”. At this stage, we are like sponges, taking everything around us in at face-value, our critical faculties not yet developed.
Some of the beliefs formed during this period, including those about money, stay with us for the rest of our lives.
If you put two people with different belief-systems into a financial bond, you get all sorts of results. Therefore, it is important to talk about these things with your partner, with the aim to understand and compromise, not to influence or change your partner to your ways.
We learn about sex at a much later stage in life. We consciously learn what we like and dislike through our experiences.
Changes over time
Most of the time, learning about money is subconscious and reflects the belief systems we are exposed to as children. A person who is frugal at fifteen is almost always equally frugal at the age of 65. It is deeply ingrained in us. If a frugal person has a relationship with a big spender, it is likely to cause him or her a great deal of stress, just as it would if a super-tidy person lived with a chaotic and disorganised person.
With sex, the opposite is true. What people like and dislike changes over time; the wild times of your twenties at the start of your relationship, when you made love at least four times a night, become a distant memory. Your sex life changes due to many circumstances, including pregnancy, hormones, tiredness, stress, and illness to name but a few.
Often stress is related to money, and so you can see the connection between money and sex there. When people are stressed, their libido drops – it is difficult to focus on sex when you are worrying about how to pay the mortgage.
Money, or the lack thereof, or the stress over money can destroy your sex-life and your relationship. That’s why money is more important than sex and needs to be addressed in your conversations.
Excerpt from my latest book “Why Money Is More Important Than Sex” – you can order your signed copy here: https://www.inspiring-relationships.com.au/TheBook/