Recently I presented Inspiring Relationships to a group of strangers and one of their question was, “What is their greatest fear?” – referring to the people seeking my guidance in regards to their relationship.
I responded that the biggest fear I see most often is to separate in an ugly divorce and to grow old alone with no one by their side to comfort them and hug them.
I’ve witnessed frustrations of missing connection, missing intimacy/sex and admission of constant fights over money, children, time and sex – and I’ve seen that some people have become desperate.
Someone from the group I was talking with chimed in “What about the fear of staying married…?” That got him a couple of laughs and I continued with my presentation.
Still, his flippant comment got me thinking. What if the fear is actually not the divorce but staying in their unhealthy or even toxic relationship with nowhere to go?
Just imagine the situation of a husband and wife living together but not really living together. They cohabitate like flatmates. One of them might do the laundry for both and the other one does the cooking. That’s where the commonality stops.
There is no heart in it and secretly one or both are thinking “How could I ever get out of here…?”
You know, it is a huge step to finally confront your partner and tell that you want to move out. First, you need to sort out and decide where you want to live, how you can afford it and how you are going to split all the possessions you’ve accumulated together over the year.
It is so much easier to batten down the hatches, pull the hoodie over your ears and weather the storm; meaning it is so much easier to stay in an unhealthy relationship than to make this huge decision of ending it.
It is easier, but not better.
Last year I spoke to someone – it took him ten years to stand up and face the consequences. He said it had been ten miserable years where he dreaded coming home every evening.
Can you imagine living like that for ten years?
I think the flippant comment made that was right, there really is a fear for many people that they will stay married. They would probably give a lot to someone taking them by their hand and showing them a way out. They know it won’t get any better in their current relationship, but still the status quo for them is less daunting than the idea of walking out of that door and never coming back.
What you could do.
If you find yourself in this situation of a flat and unhealthy relationship you need to take stock:
How bad is it?
Is there a chance that it will get better?
What could you do to make it better?
How could you change to bring your relationship back from the brink?
Is there any hope at all?
And if you then realise that most likely this won’t get any better and that there is literally no hope then you need to ask yourself:
Do you want to keep enduring this situation?
Do you accept feeling unfulfilled every day?
Or do you see a way out?
Do you think you deserve better in your life?
Once you’ve made a decision that you deserve better and that you don’t want to further endure this bad relationship, then you can start to look for solutions.
Talk to friends. Scan the rental market and don’t forget to obtain legal and financial advice.
Remember that money is more important than sex, especially when it comes to break ups and divorce as we always end up talking about one thing: Money
What I can do for you
I am not a legal nor a financial advisor.
But I can be a sounding board and a mentor in helping you to assess your situation from an unbiased, outside perspective. I can help you to find the right decision for you.
Pick up your calendar and book in a suitable time for an obligation free call with me.