I have some interesting conversations with couples from time to time.
More often than not, there is one partner who feels the need to raise an alarm on their relationship. They are not happy. Something is amiss. They feel that their relationship is going through some really tough times.
The other partner on the other hand is quite oblivious to the situation. “Do we really have a problem?” they might ask.
So, how do you deal with a situation like this?
A relationship is between two people. If one of the two thinks their relationship is near the end and the other one does not even see the cracks, you have a big mismatch.
The fact is that the attitude “why fix it, if it is not broken” might work for your plumbing issue, but definitely not for your relationship. If your water main burst, after showing some cracks, you have to call the plumber, get it fixed and deal with the mess.
If your relationship breaks and separation becomes a real option, you are dealing with a way bigger and more serious issue. It goes to the core of each of you and can be quite dramatic.
We are all well informed on the consequences of a divorce – you divide the assets, you divide the friends, you divide the money and you try to divide the kids to your best abilities. You are left with a tonne of broken pieces and a broken heart. Sometimes even with a shattered mind and self-worth.
Letting the cracks in your relationship get bigger and bigger is not a good approach. You want to fix those cracks before it is too late.
Begin to look at your relationship as a system built of two people. Your system currently has certain patterns of behaviour. Some of them are working in your favour. Some of these patterns are obviously not working, otherwise you wouldn’t feel unhappy or uneasy.
Let’s put it in plain English: if you start to act differently in your relationship, your spouse cannot NOT change their behaviour accordingly. Whether you are bringing new communication to the relationsghip, a new vigour for spending quality time together, a heightened sense of what needs to change, your partner needs to adapt. They need to act differently. And your relationship does change too.
What you could do
The first thing I recommend to anyone coming to me with their concerns and worries is to take stock. How do you do this? You simply answer the 25 question of my relationship performance quiz and that will give you a pretty good indication of where you are at right now.
You might be able to entice your partner to do the same. And that might alert them to the fact that their relationship is far from ideal.
By then comparing your score gives you a chance to unemotionally talk about the fact that you are fearing for your relationship and that you want something to change.
Still your partner might react with the same “why fix it…” but at least they know that you are not happy and that might trigger some reaction.
Secondly I recommend to you to read some of my blogs on my website and learn and observe. The more tips, tools and techniques you can use in your relationship, the more you are going to change those patterns I described earlier.
How I could support you
There are a couple of coaching packages or individual sessions I could offer you to support you and your partner in creating a lasting relationship. The best way to evaluate those is through a free 15-minute call. Simply book your preferred time in my calendar following this link.
If you do not consciously take care of the things you cherish, they WILL decline in value.
You maintain your house, your car, your computer, your health, and your teeth because if you don’t, they lose their value.
To wait to fix your relationship only once it’s broken is a flawed approach. If you do not look after your relationship, it declines in value. It is inevitable.