In my online quiz “Find out: Your Relationship Performance Indicator” I have now collected over 2,150 responses. Over 80% of these are from women and I am sorry to say that I have lost count of how often their question is “Does he love me?”
In one of her great songs, Cher believes the answer is easy – ”it’s in his kiss!”
And we all know the saying that “you need to kiss a lot of frogs to find your prince” – which is a common saying in Germany and France.
So why are so many women feeling that they’ve been left in the dark?
What are we men doing to not communicate that we love our partner?
People fall in love. They have butterflies in the stomach and their feelings go through the roof. When they meet they can’t keep their hand off one another. In this phase, no one doubts that their partner is in love with them.
But as the for big question at hand – “Does he/she really love me?” – most of us are okay with not knowing the answer to this so early on in the game.
Fast forward by three, six or twelve months and our couple has move in together and starting to plan their life together. Now the BIG question is valid. Are we meant to stay together? I do love my partner. Does he/she love me back?
It might be the case that one of the two is still not 100%, sure. Maybe there is a past trauma that plays out so that they can’t commit fully. Maybe there are other reasons.
Does moving in together mean the relationship is going to be a life-long relationship? Definitely not. So, you wait patiently, hoping that the feelings are being mutual.
As time goes by, it is not uncommon to feel more and more sure that what you have is real, mutual love, or you realise it is not going to work and you quit.
Time is a critical indicator here.
I once met a couple that has been together for ten years and in one of our sessions, the wife asked me the question “When do you know he is the one?”.
A very valid question “When do you know he is the one?”
Even after being together for ten years, she still had moments of wonder, the question still posed itself to her. Where is this question coming from? What is he doing that makes her insecure and what is she expecting that he might not know of or can’t fulfil?
And maybe this is where the answer lies…
As my wise grandmother used to say to me, when I was in my early twenties – “When you want to know the true character of the person you are dealing with, don’t listen to their words, but only pay attention to their deeds.”
Action speak louder than words!
If you are not sure whether your partner really loves you, some senses in your brain are on full alert. Or in your gut. Because your intuition sits in your gut – brain.
If their actions do not match their words…or…
if their actions are not in line with your expectations…or…
if their behaviour leaves you in doubt…
then your gut-feeling of “does he/she really love me?” is probably a good warning sign, that something is missing.
To the person on the other side of this equation, who has a partner questioning the authenticity of their feelings, I might say:
If your true feelings are not showing through…or…
if you’ve stopped making an effort in your relationship…or…
if your actions are contradicting (not supporting) your words…
then it is no wonder that your partner feels insecure and not fully loved.
What you can do.
My online quiz is a great conversation starter for any couple who wants to find out where they are standing. If you’ve asked yourself the question “Does he really love me?”, take that as a clear indication that something in your relationship is already amiss.
I can’t say what it is. It could be too high expectations on the one side or too low commitment on the other side. Or it could just be a mismatch in communication.
Let’s put it this way: in a loving, intimate and respectful relationship, this question would not come up, because both partners know what they have in each other, and both partners know that they can depend on the other person 100%.
Again, take this article and the online quiz as a conversation starter to find out where your partner is and where you stand in your relationship.
Opening your eyes to a situation is the first step of dealing with it.
I am more than happy to help you to facilitate your discussion.
Just book yourself an obligation free call with me to find out whether and how I could support you.
And remember Cher, maybe you just want to kiss more often. Because it really is all in his/her kiss. 🙂
