One of the questions that re-appears regularly in my relationship performance quiz asks about sex.
Are we having enough sex? Is our sex life fulfilling enough? Do we both feel secure, satisfied and understood?
This is not surprising because we all see the connection between happiness and sex. But is this really true? Does more sex mean more happiness? The answer is plain and simple – it does not.
Scientists in the US have conducted a survey and asked happy couples how often they have sex. The average answer was between two and three times a fortnight – or around 60 times per year. Remember these were the couples who considered themselves as being happy.
Then they asked people who had sex more often and asked them whether they are in a happy relationship and found out that it is not necessarily always the case.
In other words, more sex does not always equate to more happiness.
Still many people consider boredom in the bedroom or few sexual encounters as an alarming sign for their relationship and would like to change that.
Easier said than done.
I hear this so often from so many couples that their desire and hunger for sex is different or has developed in different stages.
Often times it the male who wants sex more and feels unsatisfied or undesired when his sexual needs are different to his partners.
And for many couples it is the other way round, she wants more and feels neglected or worse unattractive because he is not responding.
There are so many reasons for this discrepancy…
Stress is definitely the biggest factor, but also age and physical issues are contributing to a lack of sex in many relationships.
If the libido drops and penetration might be hurtful for one or both partners, the result can be devastating.
Pills, creams and other “toys” can only help so far…
Why is it so difficult?
Our sexual desires and pleasures are constantly changing and are connected to many outside factors. Stress being one of them. But the list is much longer and contains monthly cycles, pregnancies, and menopause in women and in men, declining testosterone levels, children, aging, tiredness, financial stress, work stress, illness, pain levels and more.
To make matters more complicated, you need to remember that both of you need to be free of all the issues in the list above and in the mood and at the same time. If not, one of you wants sex and the other does not or just can’t for whatever reasons.
What you can do?
The most important step is to be accepting of the situation. You won’t be changing it by demanding or pleading – on the contrary that only makes matters worse.
Accept the fact that you are not 25 anymore and that the times where you could have a quickie in the afternoon while the kids were playing in the backyard are gone.
Voice your feelings. Let your partner know how much you desire them and how much you would love to improve your sex-life. It is not easy to speak about sex without emotions. Still, the clearer you can describe your wishes and concerns the better the two of you can communicate about it.
Now is the time to explore new options. Maybe try something new. Maybe try somewhere new. Changing the scenery helps to relax your brain.
Because the biggest erogenous zone sits not between your legs, but between your ears.
In other words, if you brain is worried about pain, stress, illnesses, money issues, past rejections and so many more things, than the sexual arousal is very difficult. And that is true for both genders.
To make it very clear it is not the usual stereotype that men always want and always can and women don’t. When I look at my questionnaire there are an equal number of women who would like to have more sex in their lives.
My tip for you: enjoy the intimacy, enjoy the togetherness and enjoy the times when the cuddling and caressing leads into more.
Even though this is such a touchy (pun intended) subject, I’d love to hear your comments and feedback. Please reach out via firstname.lastname@example.org