Many people approach me to find help or support with their relationships, often at a time when their relationship has already taken a turn for the worse.
They are sometimes unhappy about their partner’s behaviour; others sometimes compare their relationship now with what it was three or five years ago and are left feeling disappointed.
Other times, I speak to people who just can’t put their finger on the problem, but see that their connection to their partner is broken or lost.
I hear a lot of clients say that the conversations they have with their partner seem to end in the same argument over and over. Intimacy and sex are happening less and less.
Some people admit to not looking forward to coming home to spend time with their partner. They’d rather stay at work or go the gym instead.
There are lots of reasons that people approach me for help. There are no wrong or unusual answers or scenarios when it comes to reaching out for assistance with your relationship concerns. In fact, it may help you to feel less alone to see that many, many couples seem to hit the same speed bumps throughout their relationships.
If you are concerned about the state of your relationship, it may help to take a look at my LoveCycle™ (pictured above) to see if you can identify a stage that relates to the symptoms you feel are present for you. I most commonly see couples who identify with the Working/Routine or Functioning/Boredom or Stopped Talking stages. Try to be honest with yourself and assess where your relationship fits on the cycle.
Oftentimes, when meeting for the first time with clients, it will be the female in the relationship who first to reaches out to contact me. It is also apparent that most of the responses in my online Relationship Quiz come from women (88%). Maybe women have a finer intuition when it comes to observing feelings than men. Maybe men don’t think about their relationships as much as women, or maybe men feel content more readily in a sub-optimal situation than women.
I’m not sure. But the fact is that the majority of enquiries I get are initiated by women.
And one of the first questions I ask is whether this person wants to work with me alone or whether they’d prefer their partner to be part of this.
You can expect this same conversation should you decide to reach out to me too. You are in control; the decision is yours and we can certainly work efficiently whether you decide to work at this together or by yourself.
Remember: I am not a counsellor. I’m not a psychiatrist. I’m a relationship expert who has the ability to break down complex situations and visualise them in simple models. I can tell you relationships are one of the most complex constructions there are.
Therefore, working with me does not mean we’ll dive into your past and dig up and air all of your dirty laundry. We won’t revisit any past argument that hasn’t been re-solved satisfactorily.
Instead, we’ll be looking at you and your individual aspirations. We will work at figuring out what is best for you.
You see, there are literally three different paths laying ahead of you. Continue, Leave or Change.
You don’t want to simply go on in your relationship as it is right now, because otherwise you wouldn’t be here. That is why “continuing as it is” is not an option.
You probably don’t really want to Leave either. You love your partner, you really do. You want to make it work, even if some days you feel like you’ve already tried everything. You want your relationship to last. Leaving now would destroy everything you’ve built over the last couple of years. You don’t want that to happen.
But one thing is clear also: it can’t continue – it’s eating you up. It is destroying you from the inside. You feel unhappy, your worries could be making you unwell and you know that you deserve better. Conversations with your partner end up in stone-walling or arguments that go around and around in circles. Being close to each other feels awkward and you hardly even exchange kisses any more.
Something needs to change. Otherwise, you’ll end up living together like room-mates and secretly resenting each other. You may even already, pointing your fingers at each other and blaming each other for what you’ve both become. He/she is at fault. He/she is the reason you are stuck in this situation.
You may even feel somewhat angry with yourself. You may ask yourself ~
How could you let your relationship drag you down like this?
Why did you end up with your partner in this situation?
Why do you tolerate their behaviour? And why do you tolerate your own behaviour?
Something needs to change.
Remember you can’t change the other person. You can only change yourself.
I have written a couple of blogs on that topic if you need some further insight.
So, we’ve established that from the three different paths you might take, Continue, Leave or Change, the best option for you is to pick up your game and change. Neither continuing nor leaving feels like a viable option.
You need to change!
And change can come in many forms.
You could change your behaviour. You could change your approach to your partner. You could change the way you communicate with your partner. There are multiple options. The important part here is that you need to be aware of your options and accept that change is unavoidable if you want to rescue your relationship.
In short, this is how I help my clients: to determine their best path and what is best for them.
I’m offering 1:1 mentoring for individuals, 1:1 mentoring for couples, live workshops for women, and online courses for individuals and couples.
In these sessions, I focus on many aspects of your relationship, including:
- Intimacy / Sex
- Quality Time
Newlywed or soon-to-be parents?
Have you just been married, or are you about to take your vows? Perhaps you are eagerly awaiting the arrival of your first child? I am certain your relationship is thriving. In the early days, everything seems to work fine. It’s all roses.
These are the stages of Moving in together and Happy in my LoveCycle™ (pictured above).
Remember though: if you don’t take care of the things you cherish, you run the risk of them losing their value.
You maintain your house, your car, your health and your friendships on a regular basis.
You need to look after your intimate relationship in the same way and invest time and money to keep it thriving.
That’s why I offer special workshops for newlyweds and first time parents as well.