Oct 18, 2018 | Blog
Every day, I receive emails from distressed people wanting to discuss the difficulties in their relationships. And what is apparent to me is that the biggest fear is not their impending divorce…
Most people share that their biggest fear is their future separation from their children, only followed by the frustration over the inevitable split from half of their friends.
You know, not only the assets are getting split in half – friends do as well. I’m sure you know a divorced couple within your circle of friends? Then you’ll understand how nearly impossible it is to stay friends with both sides of the splitting couple.
And the third biggest fear from my observation is the influence a separation has on your cherished memories. Can you look at the pictures from your last holiday, now knowing that there already was another person in your partner’s mind? Or that they’d already checked out of your relationship? Or that they’d already lied about finances?
No, you can’t. You’ll most likely, and let me reassure you that you’re not alone here, feel like your once cherished memories are tainted forever.
It does not need to be that way.
A little road block does not need to lead to a standstill. As small crack does not need to become a chasm which can’t be bridged.
You are in control of your relationship.
You design your love, life and relationship.
It does not happen to you – you are in control.
You can reclaim your memories, your friendships and family life, but most importantly your relationship, so long as you have the right perspective.
Let me help you to get ahead in your relationship and understand the basic principles better.
Sign up for my next webinar and learn about the importance of quality time and communication.
https://www.inspiring-relationships.com.au/webinar
Oct 18, 2018 | Blog
The other day a client of mine asked me the question – ”Is it acceptable for one partner to have a close friendship with their ex-partner?” and I must admit, that it took me a few days to think about this and phrase the best answer.
You see, there is not a straight forward “yes” or “no” answer. It so much depends on the circumstances.
When we were young we used to say, “there is no real friendship between a woman and a man. One of the two wants more, wants a loving relationship.”
Now I know of many friendships between woman and man where there are no hidden agendas or secret hopes of intimacy involved whatsoever. Still looking at my best friends, they are all male, except for my very best friend (which is of course, my wife).
Over the years I have been in rare contact with ex-girlfriends and it does interest me more or less to see how they are going and that they are happy in their lives.
Do I seek this contact? No.
Do I intensify any contact? No.
Do I sometimes think of them and wonder what they are up to? Yes.
That’s a fleeting thought. I’m not interested in any regular contact, because the past is the past and I am so much happier now. And I hope they are too.
The most interesting part about this question though are two words – “close” and “acceptable”.
Personally it would irritate me greatly if my wife would have a close friendship with one of her ex-partners. “Close” for me means they call, email or meet on a regular basis.
I would ask my partner why they feel the need to seek out the regular exchange with their ex.

The important thing here is the intent behind the regular contact. Is it to talk about old times and shared memories, is it to talk about every day on-goings, is it to give a helping hand, or is it because one of them is still not over the relationship and has secret hopes of winning their old partner back.
What is the intent?
“Acceptable” lies in your own judgement. There is no universally accepted rule of thumb when it comes to contact with your ex-partner.
You need to be comfortable with the behaviour of your partner. If you are not, it is not acceptable. If you are, fine.
Let me give you two stories from my circle of influence, to try to illustrate my point, that what works for one couple may not work for another. The answer is entirely dependant on what you feel is acceptable within your relationship –
A friend of mine went through divorce after they’d been together with their partner for over 25 years. They have one grown child, their separation was very amicable and they still see each other on a regular basis.
My friend continues to send his ex-wife flowers for her birthday and even offers to help when things need mending at her new place. I would say he is still a close friend of his ex-wife. And his new partner for over three years seems to be okay with it. Still, I have spoken to my friend to alert him to the importance of honestly communicating his intentions of helping the mother of his children to his new partner, in order to help her feel respected and a part of the ‘acceptable contact’ decision making process.
Another friend of mine went through an amicable divorce five years ago and their children are still teenagers. They are constantly juggling the responsibility to look after their kids and trying to make sure the best is done for them. There is a mutual understanding and knowledge of strength and weaknesses between my friend and his ex.
She has since remarried and my friend is in a serious relationship. Both new partners know about this remaining contacts and are fine with this arrangement. It is all clearly communicated and it is working for all involved, especially for the children.
You obviously could also look at these questions to get a better understanding of what is going on.
- How long have you been in a serious relationship with your current partner?
- How long ago did their previous relationship end?
- How long did their previous relations last?
- Do they have children with their ex-partner?
- Who initiated the break-up?
- Do they live in the same city or even neighbourhood?
- Have they ever broken contact completely?
To conclude, I find a close friendship between ex-partners irritating and would be on high alert. Still it would be acceptable if you are relaxed about it.
What are your thoughts?
Please comment or write me an email at welcome@Inspiring-Relationships.com.au
Oct 18, 2018 | Blog
Spring Time, the ideal time to re-kindle your love
We all feel it in our veins. The sun is getting warmer, the days are getting longer, the breeze is milder. Spring is coming.
This is the ideal time to re-connect with your partner and enjoy each other’s company.
Open the windows and doors and let the sun in. Time for a fresh start.
But what do you do if, over the last few months, you’ve felt that your partner has drifted away from you more and more? What do you do when intimacy and sex seems to have disappeared? What is the answer when there is hardly any common ground?
You still live together but it feels like you are flatmates. Living like sister and brother. Sharing a household but not much else.
To break through the downward spiral, one of you must be brave enough to take the first step. As you are reading these lines, I am talking to you. You need to take the first step … and then the next and the next.
Please reflect on this one question first and get clear within yourself…
Do you want to continue a loving, intimate and respectful relationship with your partner?
If you do, then please pick up your phone right now and send a loving, heartfelt and sparkling SMS to your partner. And wait for the reaction.
Next, I invite you to create an active appointment with your partner within the next 5 days. Go out together, leave your phone at home, and go for a walk or a light dinner somewhere nice. Make sure to spend at least 2 hours together, outside of your home.
You might find that this little active appointment will lead to deep conversations and renewed feelings for each other. There is one condition though – during these 2 hours you are not allowed to ask any questions. Give it try and you will see that your relationship will awake from hibernation.
It is spring time! Enjoy!

And if you are still unsure about the state of your relationship right now, why not take the Relationship Performance Indicator test.
https://www.surveymonkey.com/r/INSP07X
Sep 17, 2018 | Blog
This is a true story, for the privacy of those involved I have changed names and blacked out their identity. Recently I offered a special: two free coaching sessions on one of the Facebook groups that I am a member of. Immediately a couple of interested people raised their hand and asked for more information. One of them, let’s call him Dave, posted the following: “Could you please talk to xxxx … I need your help to allow her to release her self worth again…” see below:
Here is my take on his request.
First of all as a relationship coach I only work with people who want to help themselves and who are open to coaching. How valuable can a coaching session be for someone who does not want to be there? The value is not existent – a waste of time for the participant and for me.
Secondly if you think your partner has a problem and that problem is so severe that it does not allow you to connect with your partner, please have a look at yourself first.
What is it that stops you from connecting with your partner? Is it really their issue? Or is their issue triggering a behaviour within you that stops you from being open, relaxed and connected?
In my experience it is always the latter, because we perceive the world as we are. We see every behaviour, event and experience through our own set of filters and past experiences. We see the world as we are.
So back to Dave and his girlfriend, fiancée or wife. How can he dare to impose on her to deal with whatever he thinks she needs to deal with? He’s seeing her behaviour through his values and beliefs and thinks that her behaviour is flawed. Is it really flawed?
Maybe her behaviour and view of the world is a completely different one, maybe she is happy in her skin. Maybe she can’t connect to Dave as he wants her to connect with him, because of his behaviour, because she filters his behaviour and communication through her eyes, her set of values and her beliefs.
I want to make one point very clear here: no one is at fault. And quoting Shakespeare: “There is neither good nor bad, but thinking makes it so.”
In other words, you can only change yourself.
The typical human issue is that the moment we meet someone we make a mental picture of that person. And then we spend a lifetime to make sure that the person matches the picture, instead of accepting that our picture might be wrong and we need to adjust the picture, not the person.
Take a thorough look at your own life and relationship. Do you sometime think “if only she would be more ______ than I could love her even more”? Or do you ponder “the day he stops doing ______, that day will be the end of all our fighting…”?
Take a look at yourself.
Why do you react to your partner’s behaviour like that?
What kind of button are being pushed here?
Nobody is responsible for your happiness, but yourself.
Nobody can change you, but yourself!
And my response to Dave: You can only work on your issues, and not enforce her to work on hers…!
Sep 10, 2018 | Love
There is absolutely no denying that becoming and being a parent changes life as we know it. Pressures involved with being responsible for the safety and wellbeing of a totally dependent little person, along with the depleted energy and time stores we have perhaps previously taken for granted, can spell a diminished connection with your life partner. It’s natural, it’s to be expected, but it is crucial that you take action to ensure it does not last forever.
As your children grow, so does your list of responsibilities. Busy schedules, chaotic households, and never ending to-do lists can often result in parents failing to really connect with each other, instead taking turns to bark orders, check off tasks or figure out solutions to over committed, overlapping diaries.
While we watch our children transform into teens and young adults, our stresses may change, but they are there nonetheless. Worrying about employment, safety away from the house, newly attained driver’s licenses or academic achievements at school, coupled with the raging and unforgiving hormones no doubt surging through your household, can leave parents exhausted and empty, and too tired to turn to each other for support.
Remember life with your partner before you became parents? It was filled with love notes, love making and declarations of passion. You adored each other, you chose each other, and now you have become three (or more!), you have become housemates. While you will undoubtedly be aiming to work as a team together in this ever-evolving career as a family, I urge you to remind each other that you are indeed lovers, and not just parents.
Let’s take a look at a few easy ways you can help spark the reconnection in your relationship. It takes serious and consistent effort to ensure your partner feels desired, appreciated and chosen by you, and these are just a few ways you can share those feelings with each other, from now and a long time into the future.
Prioritise fun – Whether you find a hobby you can share together, insist on weekly dinner dates or trips to the movies, or enjoy your gym membership together, it is so important to remember what you like to do together, without the kids in tow. Even just setting aside an hour a week where you can share a bottle of wine and inject a bit of silliness can be beneficial to your relationship – laughter is good for you after all. Every now and then, aim to try something new with each other – prepare a new cuisine together over the weekend, try an adrenaline-inducing activity side by side, or call in support and visit a new holiday destination, just the two of you.
Dream of the future – Abandon the constant chatter of what is happening today, and begin to encourage conversations about your future together. Asking questions about your partner’s thoughts of the future will open up the floor to making plans and setting goals together – where would you most like to go in the world? Where do you see yourself professionally in the next five years? What is your greatest dream for our retirement? What is holding you back from achieving what you want the most? These open-ended questions not only show your partner that you are invested in your relationship for the long haul, but also that you are interested in and curious about them as a person and partner. You may even learn something new about each other, which is exciting and romantic and often lacking in familiar relationships after years of living together.
Initiate lovemaking – While daily physical touch can be a part of your daily regime, through handholding, long embraces and kisses hello and goodbye, some long-term couples find that diminishing lovemaking can leave them feeling undesired or unappreciated. If you feel that there are road blocks to being intimate with your partner, or that one or both of you would like to make time for it more often, get the ball rolling by initiating it yourself! Remember that sex is fun and playful, and reminds your partner that you want them romantically. If your partner declines, do not take it personally, perhaps the timing is not right or they are exhausted after a long day. Do not become despondent, keep the lines of communication open and ask your partner what you can do to help them feel more trusting in the bedroom. Listen actively to their requests, stay respectful and patient, and remind your partner how desirable they are to you. If you remind them often enough, your words will help to boost their esteem and feelings of trust and romance within your partnership.
While it is not uncommon for parents to fall into the trap of placing their marriage or relationship low on the priority ladder, it is a testament to your loving, respectful and thoughtful nature that you are keen to try to reinvigorate the connection you once had with your partner, in order to ensure you both remain happy and content long in to the future. If you would like to chat more about how you can reconnect with your lover, or are perhaps keen to check out our upcoming Inspiring Relationships events, please do not hesitate to contact me on 0415 509 275.